You got to lose to know how to win

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

給我一個理由忘記那麼愛我的你
給我一個理由放棄當時做的決定
有些愛越想抽離卻越更清晰
而最痛的距離是你不在身邊卻在我的心裡

我找不到理由忘記大雨裡的別離
我找不到理由放棄我等你的決心
有些愛越想抽離卻越更清晰
而最痛的距離是你不在身邊卻在我的心裡
我想你

Jon

Monday, October 28, 2013

The lowest point in my life

Life hits rock bottom once again...
I don't know why...
Just like a parachuter leaping out from the sky, free falling without its parachute being deployed...
And slam! hit into the ground, making a deep mark.

Desolated,
Lost...
Frustrated...
When a man cries, means he is letting out his feelings.
When a sad man doesn't cry, nobody knows what inside of him that exploding.

There are still so many things going in my mind,
Sitting by the reservoir, many things going through my head.
'Has signs been giving in the progress of the relationship?'
'Why didn't I question it?'
Whatever that's going through the mind, there is no point now.
We had made a good memories, this is for sure,
how we started, chasing, teasing each other,
The first phone call, I will never forget that... the surprise element was huge.
The first date,
The first driving date,
The first kiss and the first hug..
All these were wonderful memories, and will definitely leave a mark inside me.
2 month plus, say short also not short, say long also not long..
But to me,
In a relationship is not how long it is, but rather, what did we go through together as a couple.
They say time will heal everything, true, is the best medicine... but if it ended for a reason then time will heal, but is it did not end with a valid reason, I'm pretty sure it going to take a very very long time...
Memory are still fresh in the head, heart is still intact with your name, somehow it felt like you're still belonging to me, still with me. That's how sudden it is..
It's not about pointing the blame to whose fault, but is just how could it ended like this ?
Say go then go, say end then end. ):
Not coping well for sure, definitely for sure.
So many things in my head, brain squeezing, heart aching....
人间没希望、没快乐、没意思

This morning, Mum start asking me about you,
when exams and stuffs,
and then ask me to call you to join for dinner today, heading to have the complimentary meals from Pizza Hut during the BMT.
Why ask me when everything ended? How am I going to answer and face it?
Met papa and mama for dinner together, first question was: 'Girlfriend didn't come?'
I seriously have no guts to face it now, I want to hide. Avoiding all these questions...

As for you,
Exams is coming, your hard work will pay off after spending so much time on studying and putting in effort.
Everyone has their limit, don't always think negatively and saying you not putting enough effort or you're stupid. Just do your best!
And also remember to take care of your health, be safe and careful in whatever you're doing.
You will never know whose worrying for you always.

looking at this video, it never fail to make me feel the sting in my heart.
Somehow I don't know why, I'm not angry or pissed, just question mark and question mark in my head. There isn't any hatred or bad feelings but just.... sigh..
miss you

Jon

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Obligation or Commitment?

Jon

I didn't text you much today doesn't mean I'm leaving you alone, so letting you go.

Your first paper is next week, so you must be double accelerate now UHS! Jiayou!

I hope I can meet you before your first paper, most prob sat. I hope you see this post you will get back to me.

I know you won't reply me not because you don't want to but because you're studying but please don't shut the door on me, will die de me. Okay? I swear, it really will kill me

Feeling so sick, having bad flu ): and throat....

ALWAYS B SAFE AND careful of what you're doing.

You still mean a lot to me.

Waiting for your blog post though...

多想說聲我真的愛妳　多想說聲對不起妳
妳哭著說情緣已盡　難再續　難再續

0952

Jon

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Hours after that post,

5 unanswered calls

1 rejected call

Ample texts and whatapps messages,

She's calling it quits.

She's putting a stop now,

She's end it right here.

She says she is happy alone,

Happier alone without me,

Doing things alone happier.

What can I say? Heartbroken.

She's really washing her hands off now.

Personality issues? Nobody knows the real reason.

Academically wise, I admit I'm not that smart,

I don't come from a well off family but I have a happy family, a family where I go home with smiles and laughter, blessed with happiness.

and I start feeding myself since 16years old.

Yeah, I don't have a stable saving, my future look bleak.

Why can't I be given the chance?

I'm fighting for the chance but why?

For this whole 2 months,

I put in everything I had,

People around can see that I tried hard woo-ing you,

I didn't give up and stop there upon the

first rejection,

second rejection,

I just kept trying and trying till I won your hand.

The cards and efforts,

Going through so much to woo you,

Going through even more during the process of being together,

Not a single whine was made.

From mental stress of your ex and mother,

I gave what I can even though I had restriction.

When we just got together, you wasn't adaptable to my love,

Not able to go public,

Hiding here and there,

Try not to do things that can give you troubles,

Scarificing my dates for you to study through your weekends,

Giving you the space to study,

Accommodating to whatever requests you have, thinking that it was best for you to go through this period of time,

Absorbing your vents and pressure from your studies,

Sharing the load of pressure you had.

What can I give now?

What more could I offer?

So you think I'm that kind where I get your hand then I stop trying because you're my woman already?

I can't be more proud of having you, I always flaunt the things I done to you in front of my buddies girlfriends to make them jealous and make them give their boyfriend the "why didn't you do such things to me" stare. Don't say I didn't fight for you, didn't make a stand for you.

But because of accumulated disappointmentS and issues, you stopped.

Because of things that happened in the past to you before so now it will reflect on me in the future.

I'm not perfect, I do make mistakes once in awhile. But does the mistake is so grave that I'm given the death sentence?

During my blocked leave, we had issues, yes, I admit that's my wrong. But at that point of time, we were already on the edge, do you think I will want to make things worse? You think I wanna tell you real last minute?

The dinner with my army buddies, I didn't ask you because I didn't want you to think that you're not a good girlfriend because you didn't attend it with me. The Malaysia day trip also, because I know you will think otherwise so I didn't tell you about it because it was not confirmed. I didn't want you to see it as, others girlfriends going, so you have to go, don't go then I won't feel good. Then you're wrong baby. I never once minded about that because I know you have to study then we can spend time alone together on Saturdays. You came to pick me once when I book out, that was good enough.

You didn't send me to book in before, that's okay also. But you were there for me during my time in BMT, i can't be more happy. I seen people quarreling with their gf during BMT, but I was the lucky one.

To be honest, I think at that point you already starting to give up, you were using studies as a excuse to avoid me, to stop contact with me, I could see and feel.

Your love stopped as of there. You just kept running, you didn't want to face it.. Maybe you needed a excuse to end it now you have it, that's why you end. Communication totally broke down that whole week, I was holding up the 'antenna' to keep the 'signal' ongoing to communicate. I became like someone, begging and pleading for replies.

Every time when problem starts with me, you will ask to be leave alone, don't disturb you, not answering my calls, replying my texts... Giving me cold shoulders, ignoring me.. All these, I take in. Everytime when we talk about issues, you seem to see my reasoning as argument with you. But I'm not. Yes, You're going through a lot of stress from your studies so attitude might change toward certain things but keep saying our direction is different, not the right one for you, don't you know it hurts alot..

When I give so much, and then hearing all this... Dejected, desolated..

But when problem initial from you, I'll didn't walk away, or ask to give me time alone...

I answered all calls and texts. I work out a solution for you, the optimal solution even though sometimes is not the best. But I stay by your side.

All these I'm willingly to go through because it was part of parcel of a relationship and is because I love you a lot, more than anyone else even though is just months. When I'm committed, I am committed.

That's how relationship grows stronger, as long as there's no third party, this is how a relationship grows stronger, learning from it and going through together.

Going through all this, I never once had the intention of ending this, in my mind was just finding solution and changing things to get better. I don't blame you for any of it, I don't find faults in you,

But you thought otherwise...

What I wanna say have been said...

I really don't want to end it and I really love you and I can't do without you in my life,

but if its your wish and you think is the best then...

All the best.

0258

Cold Night

Jon

不完美

Eclipse of the heart.
Yes, I admit I lied.
But I don't understand you by saying washing your hands off me?
I can do anything I want, it's my life, it's my choice.
Then what am I to you?

Just a day ago we were talking about starting it afresh, and now you tell me the trust is totally gone, breached the whole trust of you, and now I'm outside your trust zone. Then if I'm not inside your trust zone, then may I ask you, What am I now? And if i'm outside your trust zone, then there is no more trust anymore, so how are we going to continue now when there is suspicious in the relationship? When there is no trust coming from either side, is like poking each other w a knife turn by turn to see who bleed it out and die first.

I'm not trying to find excuses now, or pointing to other factors. But I think, issue are coming or surfacing out now is because I'm someone who fixed plane and not commanding, steering a vessel or flying a jet plane. Even before this was out, you had something on me already, and it just accumulate.... Let's be honest... If I'm any of one of those up there, I'm definitely won't have this issue now, or be having this issue.
Because I'm posted to somewhere to learn how to fix a plane and then, there, my personality got question. It's funny... really funny.
I slowly coming to the term of " Rich and the Poor "
There is really a difference, the rich can be forgiven easily, the Poor.... HAHA..
People write off people like me, that's what I'm used to it.
Do something wrong and everything is written off,
Whatever you done in front or build up is all brought down,
given the death sentence.

There's is nothing I can change...
If the trust is gone, then I only can bear all costs/ suck it up, unhealthy and not nice words will be said and I just have to suck it up and prove it..
Trust has to be rebuild..
Just can't believe just one is enough to tear it down, while I withstand so many waves...
Not gonna find any excuses or case studies to fight back, just gonna absorb everything and reflect on my own....
Keeping quiet doesn't means I can't be bothered or not fighting, just letting things calm down a little bit.

Jon

Friday, October 18, 2013

Bottom Rock

One week blocked leave ending..
Woke up at 0945 and kind of pull until something on my elbow...
sting pain whenever i bend it, but as long as it can move, it will heal itself..
Posting is out today,

Posted to Air Force School
Vocation: Air Force Tech(Trainee)

YES, everyone has that question in mind, Why there?
Even my dad gave me the puzzled look when he got back from work..
How come tech when no engineering background and my diploma wasn't specializing on that
Everyone expecting OCS, Naval Officer as I have been expressing interest in..
but sometimes, things goes the other way..
I don't have a engineering background, I'm combat fit and physically fit, I'm PES A...
I also have this question in my head but where do I look for an answer?
If talking about BMT performance, I think I did well enough.
If talking about peers, I definitely didn't have any grudges between section mates.
So where did it go wrong? I'm also looking for the answer and don't ask me, I really don't know.
Disappointment after disappointment...
Whenever someone ask, the disappointment just snowballed...

Not saying that this vocation isn't good, I remember during my times in BMT,
Encik once said, all vocation are important, they need each other to make things work the way they are.( not trying to comfort myself)
Since there is no way of reverting the posting, I gradually taking it in, need some time for it to sink in.
Now all I know that I'm being posted there, though I'm affected by this very much cause I didn't really see this was coming,
but during my days in BMT,
I learned this term called Professionalism.
Wherever I'm being posted to, I go there and do what I need to do.

To the other section-mates,
Congrats to those to went SCS or OCS. Well Done!
Though we not going to the same unit/ vocation, remember to stay in contact uhs!(:
Don't forget about me lehhh!
The guy who was quiet on Day One who turn out to be a noisy and annoying ass !
HAHAHAHA..

This week has really been bad for me, really bad.....
Felt like I hit rock bottom in life once again, no words can express what I'm going through,
Love, Passion... Everything...
Is another roller coaster ride where this time I'm going downhill again.......
I really don't know what to do,
the whole week I have been hanging and trying..
What you said this morning is harsh, but I know is a wake up call, you been emphasizing since day one when we got together or even before we got together.
They said is a phase that one has to go through to see the rainbow and sunlight,
I hope it's really a phase.
But before the phase continue, it's lingering....
Really hope you think about it, I have shown you this few days already.. I'm trying so hard, I believe you can see it for yourself.
To me, this few days, you have been just running away and avoiding.. to me.
The final decision is left to you. Take whatever you want in consideration, make the optimal decision.
I hope let's not drag this on, it hanging and struggling for me...
Let's come to a conclusion.

Jon

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

How it started

I remember how it all started,
Arguing and fighting over small matters,
teasing each other,
disturbing each other....

then came the pig nose, which was words that couldn't be expressed, she will use pig nose to represent it.

Then came the love.

And then we got into a serious relation...

and everything was history there as we embark on the journey.

It's like fate, finding you out of so many people,

and I found you.

Things don't look like the way it is.

Silent is the deadly weapon ever.

Kills softly without knowing.

Day 3 but somehow it seems to me it's not looking good.

Cold,

What have I done?

To be continued....

Jon

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

iPhone user AGAIN

I become a iPhone user today again!

Went for the 5c white 32gb, cost me about $225 and have to pay a penalty of $30 because I had to transferred from blackberry plan to iPhone plan and not forgetting having to pay the remaining 4 months of the value added service as it was contracted for 24months!!!

Comparing this phone with my first iPhone 3GS, the functionality is about the same, differences is the technical specs and also the length and thickness. This 5c felt longer and thinner, kind of like the way it is though. Hopefully this doesn't disappoint me like the 3GS, last me for the full 24 months okay! HAHA. I'll take very good care of you de.

Went to pray my cousin this morning.

Everyone is wondering what make her took the plunge but what happened happened, we only can learn and move it.

Ah ma also said, 人走了就走了.

Guess the really affected ones are the parents and the brother.

Heard my cousin even bought her brother his birthday present even before the actual day. So sweet.

What a loss. ):

day2
And though I know,
I’ve already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I’m asking you is don’t write me off, just yet
Don’t write me off just yet

Jon

I try to sleep, yeah
But the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me
A thousand more regrets unraveling, oh
If you were here right now I swear I'd tell you this

Baby, I don't want to waste another day
Keeping it inside, it's killing me
'Cause all I ever want
It comes right down to you, to you

I wish that I could find the words to say
Baby, I would tell you every time you leave
I'm inconsolable

Jon

I'm staring at the glass in front of me,
is it half empty of our wins or have i ruined all you've given me?
I know I've been selfish,
I know I've been foolish,
but look through that
and you will see,
I'll do better, I know,
Baby, I can do better.

If you leave me tonight, I'll wake up alone,
don't tell me I will make it on my own,
don't leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sing till it dies
if you leave me tonight.

Sometimes I stare at you while you are sleeping,
I listen to your breathing,
amazed how I somehow managed to
sweep you off your feet girl,
your perfect little feet girl
I took for granted what you do.
But I'll do better, I know
Baby, I can do better.

If you leave me tonight, I'll wake up alone,
don't tell me I will make it on my own,
don't leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sing till it dies
if you leave me tonight.

And don't you know my heart is open, oh,
it's putting up the fight,
and I've got this feeling,
that everything's alright,
and don't you see,
I'm not the only one for you
but you're the only one for me.

If you leave me tonight I'll wake up alone,

(stay)If you leave me tonight,
(close) I'll wake up alone,
(don't)don't tell me I will
(go)make it on my own,
(stay)don't leave me tonight,
(close)this heart of stone
(don't) will sing till it dies
(go)if you leave me tonight.
Don't leave me tonight

Losing faith,

Can't see a future.

I don't know how should I feel now.

Jon

Monday, October 14, 2013

First Day of Block Leave

After 9 weeks, first time waking up at 10am on a Monday morning.
Nobody was at home, parents went to work and brothers went to school respectively.
Right eye feeling sore, don't know why...
It's Monday, it the start of a new week.
There's bad news and also good news. But the good news is not good enough to make up the bad news. Sigh..

Brush my teeth and look into the mirror...
Today is Monday, 14 Oct 2013, supposedly to be the interview for the Naval Officer vocation. But I'm at home, not in my smart 4 or on my way to CNPB, which means I'm not selected. Disappointed for sure, plus the on-going thing, depressing... nobody to talk to.. nobody to confide to..
Tried my best and did what I could, at the end of the day, what's yours will be yours.

How did things turn out to be this way?

Went to make a cup of coffee and called mummy.
Had to prepare the soup for tonight dinner, so went to scald the ribs and then boil the soup. Tonight soup going taste so awesome!
After doing the soup, went to salt the fish! HAHAHA.. Quite easy.

Prepared dinner already, went to shower and wash clothes...
while waiting for the washing to be done, went to organise my photos.
Looking at our photos, and things we did the past 2 months, re-reading the letters and book,
it was so lovely..

Phone contract is eligible for re-contracting, which means, new phone coming up...
Going for the new iPhone 5c, back to Apple after Blackberry for a year.
Not going into Samsung. HAHA.. Hopefully by this week will get it.

Time check now is 5:26pm, still waiting for the reply.

Jon

Saturday, October 12, 2013

End of BMT

Today marks a milestone.
We walk the talk, 24km route march.
Who expected that we managed to do it?
The sore, the shagness, the tiredness... but what push us through to complete it?
Our mind and what we are doing it for.

9 weeks just passed like this, the journey has been amazing.
We started from strangers to section mates, then to what we are now, buddies.
We sleep, eat, bath, go through shit together.
How we share everything with each other, disturbing each other, motivating each other.
9 weeks say long not long, say short not short, all I want to say is,
It was amazing being buddies with you guys in my BMT, laughter during the joking time and seriousness during training. Thanks dudes!
Wherever we end up to,
Let's not forget each other and remember that we once passed this shit together! (:

1st COY PLATOON 4 SECTION 2!!

Jon

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Last week of BMT

This week commence my last week at Tekong island.
Hitting my week 9, it has been a long journey and how time flies, to type out my whole story here will be too long so I'm jut going to summarize it.
I remembered enlisting on the 14 Aug, having the uncertainty of a new environment and new people and now, all have become comfortable and buddies of each other. It has been an amazing journey.
I get to know people from all walks of live, especially those sleeping in the same bunk as me.
Those are the people who shared laughter, pain, 'torture', everything together for the past 8 weeks and hopefully it doesn't come to an end after passing out. Basically covered all the high key events, left the GP rehearsal this week. Think is going to be tiring and shag cause need to rehearsal the whole GP till it's close to perfect or perfect. Expecting leg aches and shoulder aches!

Did guard duty for the first time on thursday night, lucky to be selected in the last guard duty of this BMT, quite fun though it was very slack, just walking around, with live rounds on me and a walkie talkie, not forgetting my buddy Glenn. HAHA. It was a good experience though. We literally talk the walk for two hours of duty.

This journey of BMT definitely gone through alot, mentally and also physically. But it was a good experience and I enjoyed every moment of it, every shit moment of it.

Aches and pain gone through, mentally and physically, definitely makes me a better person.

Not forgetting the important people who have played an important roles during my BMT. of course my parents, always supporting me and asking if I'm coping well inside and also my girl, Yvonne Lim, thank you for always being by my side, supporting me all this while even though you yourself is going through a stressful and hard time. Making time to talk to me almost every night when I'm in camp. I don't know how to thank you but I love you baby. (:
You yourself can also do it, you must also jiayou! jiayou!
Don't let happenings affect you that much, be strong and always faced it confidently!

I always have the faith in us!

I love you.

Jon