You got to lose to know how to win

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

What Do I Want

Day 2 and I'm having difficulties in finding something to do. It like morning till afternoon is movies and surfing, then lunch and go downstairs for a break, walk around the neighborhood then dinner then television. It somehow become a routine.

Sometimes we avoid certain things so as not to trigger the memories behind it, and sadly, ,memories, once a memories, it turns into something I wanna avoid to not trigger the image of you.
Till today,it shocks me
why when you wanted to stop in the first place?
why even though you know the ending would be this?
why give hopes and now left one suffering? in pain? why?
I'm not a computer, whereby you can ctrl-A and delete all and just empty the recycle bin. I'm ain't no laptop, nor my recycle bin could be empty like that.

Jon

Monday, August 27, 2012

A Leopard doesn't change it spots

I was supposed to turn it around and not go back to the old ways and I'm doing it again. And history repeats itself. I don't know isn't just unlucky or what, but nothing is going smoothly with everything I do.
Thought it was a good opportunity to turn and not go back to that area but however, just the first week and fall right into it.

Anyway, got a call from mummy friend. Just switched job from selling lands to a Forex Exchange broker. Asking me if I'm interested to go into stock broker and wants to sign a 5 years bond with his company and they sponsor me for a uni financial cert. Guess it time to make a decision for the future. Anyone interested? He is recruiting new members, fresh graduates.

Jon

Friday, August 24, 2012

there is no happiness

Well, holidays officially started for me. However, there seem to be no happiness or joy. I can't seem to feel the happiness or joy in me, in my life. Everyday is like a routine to me, I don't feel happy in doing it, so should I say, I don't feel happy at the end of the day, at the end of everyday. There is no goals, targets or dream in my life now. Everything seem to be doing because I need to do it.
Is like being a rich man, having everything but not happiness. Happiness couldn't be bought by money, even if it could, is only temporary happiness, when you close your eyes and go to sleep, the next morning, the happiness is gone and you have to find another happiness.

Till today, as I scroll down the photos in the folder, looking through all the things we did,
is amazing that how it had come to.

How to get over it man...

Jon

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

TED

good to be cheap(not the slut cheap) but not to CHEAT!

watch the show TED, about a teddy bear and a dude, from young till old, how they live in each other life and finally, how both of them are affecting each other life when in the adult world. Good show though, teaching how certain people value a teddy bear life than a real human being life. TSK! *shake head

After so long, finally can pay abit of my debt and phone bill, phone bill was exploded due to last month happening... which resulted in outgoing calls which lead to nothing. hahaha.. stupid jon! but even though not totally clear all but at least enough for you.

Things are getting better after praying on the first night, feeling more protected somehow, like not having a cold chill whenever I'm walking alone to go home. Thanks.

Learning from the experience godpa as he share his story about how his friends, real friends help him and how he return favors. Guess these are true real friends, even though the income they take in are total different, their job-scope are total different, however they have one thing in common, helping each other whenever one needs help. I'm touched by the story of his.

Jon

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Anguish

It’s been months and it like hell for me.

Life has been aimless, no target, no dream. All the dreams were burst like bubbles and lost like a compass without a needle to point which direction to go.
It’s so difficult.

How isn’t possible for one to let someone go after spending almost 1months together, doing things and going through and it was undefined. It was difficult to come to terms that it has to come to an end it this way. It’s so wasted and so… just cannot find the exact word to describe it but it is just difficult to accept the fact that it is going to way it is. It just the feeling is still there, burning high. How am I supposed to extinguish it? Yeah, time, they always say time will heal everything. But time doesn’t erase the memory; erase the things that we did, erase the moment shared.

Is like I’m the mirror, and she is the queen. She uses me to see herself, whether she’s pretty or not, now that the mirror has been thrown and broken glass has scattered on the ground, she will always be the pretty one.

No matter whether it was a real relationship or I’m merely just a replacement, I have the answer to this. It is like a mystery. I can’t differentiate between truth and lies because there is no difference. I’m not pissed or angry over the lies been told and the action been done, I’m more curious is why did you do it? Why did you even wanted to in the first place when you didn’t want it at all? It felt like betrayal and cheat.

As of today, she moved on, she really did. She left everything behind and moves on, whether it really started or not, she left. I’m broken down but with a least bit of happiness because I know she is happier now, carefree and enjoyment, no more suffering. I wish you all the best in your life, always happy and get to do what you want to do.

And to the dude,
Seem like you found the right girl uhs, never seen you so committable before, not even to your previous one. I can’t say it verbally but good luck and make sure you work this out uhs!

Jon

Friday, August 17, 2012

7th month First day

The first day of the chinese 7th month starts today and will last for 1 month.
However, kind of chilly to experience it on the first night. Don't know isn't just my imagination or thinking too much. I remember, I went to bed at around 12midnight and then I was having a dream and exactly at 3:59am, I woke up, feeling a chill down my spine and then there were voices of two person talking to each other and also a signalling sound, as though it is signalling to me and I remember clearly, it was coming from the window... Tried to not open my eyes and still open abit to catch a glance of what's happening... but couldn't really see what was happening and I quickly fall back to sleep.
Don't know whether was it really two person talking downstair or......... but at 4am, what's two person doing downstair and talking...

Jon

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Final Year Project DONE

12weeks of 'prison' and I'm released today! like coming out from a prison!
Ended my FYP today, the final presentation... hahaha.. no butterflies in stomach, went into it without any sweat but kena shoot.. HAHAHA.. didn't do a good job but supervisor assure that there is a pass at least!
Whatever the case, it's over! sigh of relief but ain't no happiness... damn...
Tmr don't have to go to school however have some compulsory career talk, thinking whether to skip it or not.. Finally, stay home, no more 0830 check in and 1800 check out.
almost 2 month break, say long not long, say short not short. This is the time to reflect and have time alone at home... Don't know whether isn't a good time that it came now, however, definitely plans has change after that absurd interruption...

still remember the time when she kept asking me to go school and don't pon, after that can enjoy... haix..

I wish you all the best for your paper.

score with flying colors!

And don't cheat even though you're stuck ah!

Jon

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

heartless

his song has to do with woman, woman who tear men's heart out because of minor reason. Friend's shouldn't be allowed to decide whether a guy isn't too good looking for the woman. Relationships shouldn't be taken for granted, even if the feelings aren't strong enough to be called love. Leaving a person vulnerable and unhappy is the most selfish thing a person can do, I wouldn't want you to think that you should never dump anyone but do it with care and with at least a descent amount of love.

Jon

Final Presentation Postponed

at the very last minute, 15minute before the scheduled time.

SO final presentation postponed till tmr 2pm, the assessor had course and informed us at the very last minute, to be exact 10 minute before the scheduled time. Very pissed and fucked up. Wear formal and came to school and the very last minute, shit happen. DAMN!

Jon

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Final Presentation

tmr is the final presentation for my Final Year Project. Not having butterfly in my stomach, hahaha.. maybe I don't give a damn anymore. It doesn't matter to me no more. Mid result came out, it was a Can make it result. Didn't expected that and tmr misson would be just to maintain the C there and make it out!

Jon

Monday, August 13, 2012

The World of Deception

To live in the world of deception and lies for the past 10 months was never expected.
To be honest, how in the world can it be that I was in deception for the past 10 months. Am I to good to be a fool ?
Maybe it was my fault as there were signs showing something is wrong yet I choose to believe and believe, trusting and trusting and end up there were lies in believe. I kept telling myself, is just a matter of time and with that happening, I thought it could have made it stronger and better but rather, it affected it badly and didn't make you even considered and just tell me: "Matter of fact, I will never start all over again with you"
That's was much hurting, very hurting...

Paid the price, the price of trust has cause me to fall badly. It's unbelievable, fuck me.
ahhh.. this is so hard to accept...
Someone please fuck me so that I know I'm fucked here big time.

完美并不美，我们多虚伪，你让我的好变成一种罪

Jon

Sunday, August 12, 2012

More Than This

I'm broken
Do you hear me
I'm blinded
Cause you are everything I see
I'm dancing, alone
I'm praying
That your heart will just turn around

And as I walk up to your door
My eye turns to face the floor
Cause I can't look you in the eyes and say

When he opens his arms
And holds you close tonight
It just won't feel right
Cause I can't love you more than this, yeah
When he lays you down, I'm might just die inside
It just don't feel right
Cause I can't love you more than this
Can't love you more than this

If I'm louder
Would you see me?
Would you lay down in my arms and rescue me?
Cause we are, the same
You saved me, when you leave it scarred again
And then I see you on the street
In his arms, I get weak
My body feels I'm on my knees
Praying

When he opens his arms
And holds you close tonight
It just won't feel right
Cause I can't love you more than this, yeah
When he lays you down, I'm might just die inside
It just don't feel right
Cause I can't love you more than this

I've never had the words to say
But now I'm asking you to stay
For a little while inside my arms
And as you close your eyes tonight I pray that you will see the light
That's shining from the stars above
When he opens his arms
And holds you close tonight
It just won't feel right
Cause I can't love you more than this Cause I can't love you more than this When he lays you down, I'm might just die inside It just don't feel right Cause I can't love you more than this, yeah When he opens his arms And holds you close tonight It just won't feel right Cause I can't love you more than this When he lays you down, I'm might just die inside It just don't feel right Cause I can't love you more than this Can't love you more than this

it could have been 5

Jon

Friday, August 10, 2012

The paper cannot hold the fire

Spreads like a wildfire and godma knows too. How to answer their only one question? How did it happen?

Mum came asking me today, what's is wrong? Why so sudden the separation?
Mum, I don't really have the answer for this, I really don't. I'm sorry. She even jokingly ask to ask her personally what went wrong man.. HAHA.. Mum ah Mum..
Maybe you were right, I give myself away too much.

it would have been different if the real truth is the truth.

I'm not a attention seeker, If I am

You wldn't be where you are now

Jon

Bewildered

It like everything is my fault. I'm been to be blamed for the mistake that you condemn. Yeah, maybe I have a bigger part to be blame but this is absurd.
Seriously? fuck me man. You don't give a fucking shit of me and all but you're more concern that.. seriously.. fuck me man.. fuck me.

Jon

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Happy National Day

Just done with 2 rounds of mahjong....
My national day was spent going to ah ma place in the morning, Lor mee as breakfast and then mahjong game in the afternoon, 2 rounds and won some money! Thanks Jerry. Been long since I won double digits..
Now, feeling so tired, only slept like 2hours only since ytd till now... and my body is totally drained man...

Smart to use lies,
stupid to say wrong,
smart equal me
stupid equal you.

someone told me this and it really got me thinking whether isn't true of what is said.

Jon

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Been A Month

Frustration is killing me inside.
There is no one who can really understand or feel what’s going through. They haven’t been there before and they don’t really know what it is really going on.
It so draining, mentally drained. To fight a battle alone, and let alone fighting it against myself, is so totally draining. Mentally.
And all they have is, just you got to do it and I don't know how you do it, you just do it... DAMN..

It wasn't suppose to be like this..

Jon

Friday, August 03, 2012

Nobody knows

Jon

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Caught a Flu

Caught with a bad flu, think caught a cold from the air con in my lab plus the weather was on off... now feeling terrible, having to stop the 'pipe' from leaking and leaking. Tissue has been my company.

Final presentation has been confirmed, doing just a simple presentation of web storage using HTML5 and also the usual feedback form for web form. heng ah, but think won't be scoring since it is so simple kind. Left with about 7days more to the final presentation week, supervisor haven't confirm presentation date but reckon is on the 15Aug.
After that 18Aug is freedom from NYP prison, release from the prison officially! Then I have to plan my days properly since it ain't the way it suppose to be.

Jon